Sad.

So the baby news was great for a little while...now it is up in the air.  I have been to 2 ultrasounds and they cannot verify whether I am actually passing the baby or whether it may still be alive inside.  I had many different emotions going through this.  I was only with my fiance where we were living while working so talking to females about this issue was a bit hard.  I have had many tears shed, and many up and down days since that day where the doctor looked worried about the bleeding that I had started that fateful Saturday about 3 weeks ago.  They told me I was 6 weeks and no heartbeat could be detected, yet the placenta and "yolk" as the doctor referred to it were there but there was no embryo or "baby" that they could detect.  My aunt had had 2-3 miscarriages and god bless her was on the phone with me every night discussing the heartbreak and the fact that no one really knows, the baby could still be there and everything could potentially be alright.  As of right now I really still do not know the fate of the being inside of me, but I have not had a major sign from my body that it has passed on from this plane of being. All I can do is wait and pray for now....

Baby brain

Baby blues...I went for an ultrasound yesterday and found out I am only 5 weeks along...meanwhile I thought I should be starting my second trimester and seeing a bump.  Oh well, I had a mental breakdown about it and then was done with it, nothing I can do but start over mentally and not stress the small stuff!  Some things have been happening lately that I have had a weird time with.  First it is all these dreams about people who I have not seen in years, ex-boyfriends, people I used to hang out with, I'm not sure why these things come up but some of them are freaking me out a little bit.  My first serious boyfriend from high school was the last one.  Where in god's name did that come from?  He was like a neurotic circus guide of some sort that would not help me and the person I was with find the way out or something...weird.  Secondly, my ex-husband's name is on the tip of my tongue for about a week.  I go to say something to my fiancee and my ex's name almost makes it out.  What the hell?  I am just chalking it up to baby brain and hopefully it will pass soon!!