Sad.

So the baby news was great for a little while...now it is up in the air.  I have been to 2 ultrasounds and they cannot verify whether I am actually passing the baby or whether it may still be alive inside.  I had many different emotions going through this.  I was only with my fiance where we were living while working so talking to females about this issue was a bit hard.  I have had many tears shed, and many up and down days since that day where the doctor looked worried about the bleeding that I had started that fateful Saturday about 3 weeks ago.  They told me I was 6 weeks and no heartbeat could be detected, yet the placenta and "yolk" as the doctor referred to it were there but there was no embryo or "baby" that they could detect.  My aunt had had 2-3 miscarriages and god bless her was on the phone with me every night discussing the heartbreak and the fact that no one really knows, the baby could still be there and everything could potentially be alright.  As of right now I really still do not know the fate of the being inside of me, but I have not had a major sign from my body that it has passed on from this plane of being. All I can do is wait and pray for now....

Baby brain

Baby blues...I went for an ultrasound yesterday and found out I am only 5 weeks along...meanwhile I thought I should be starting my second trimester and seeing a bump.  Oh well, I had a mental breakdown about it and then was done with it, nothing I can do but start over mentally and not stress the small stuff!  Some things have been happening lately that I have had a weird time with.  First it is all these dreams about people who I have not seen in years, ex-boyfriends, people I used to hang out with, I'm not sure why these things come up but some of them are freaking me out a little bit.  My first serious boyfriend from high school was the last one.  Where in god's name did that come from?  He was like a neurotic circus guide of some sort that would not help me and the person I was with find the way out or something...weird.  Secondly, my ex-husband's name is on the tip of my tongue for about a week.  I go to say something to my fiancee and my ex's name almost makes it out.  What the hell?  I am just chalking it up to baby brain and hopefully it will pass soon!! 

Dear Mom....

Dear Mom,
Well today I got all your papers and such in the mail.  Also listened to the CD that uncle Alan made for you and cried like a baby.  Speaking of babies, I am getting nowhere on that front either...the doc has yet to call me back and I have no idea how far along I am or what is happening.  I just keep eating well and trying not to stress out too much.  I miss you, and I hope that you are having fun wherever you are.  I can't listen to that ABBA song anymore it kills me, lol.  I wish I could call but I guess writing is good enough.  I just pray that you watch over me and send me all the good vibes and good luck that I will need for the baby and myself.  I love you dearly and hope that you have said hi to grandpa and grandma and if you see the other side please let them know I said hi as well.  I am going to name the baby if it is a girl after grandma archer, I have just always liked the name Vivian and think that it is a classic name like the one you have given me.  i have yet to figure out a middle name, I was thinking about Bill's side but if its a boy he gets the whole name so I have to figure something out.  I have been wavering between your name and Marion, really thinking that Marion would go better, but we will have to see.  If you have any ideas please let me know, give me a sign whatever...I will talk with you soon and please get me through today, I have rabid rage and need to tone it down a bit!!  
Loves!!

Saskatchewan

Now I know what I used to think of this province, wheat fields and extra flat land...but apparently it is much more interesting than that.  I learned today that the largest Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil was found here and not in Drumheller Alberta.  Apparently this whole area used to be a large ocean and when digging for Potash here they find different fossils of seashells around 80 feet down.  Currently it has an enormous amount of underground water which inhibits the mines sometimes in this area (Esterhazy).  The land is also really not that flat, it has its valleys and although along highway #1 it might seem a bit bland there is so much more going on here.  It is probably the most healthy, growing province in Canada, it has many different jobs that need to be filled and not enough skilled people to fill them.  I just hope that people don't write off the province as "flat and boring" as I once did because you are missing some great people and sights along the way.

Sunday

Have been looking at maternity wedding dresses because I think that this will have to be done in order: shotgun wedding, house, baby....
I have no qualms about doing it in that order, but I'm not sure how the Catholic church will feel about it...did I tell anyone I was going to join??  I am not preachy, but this is the story.  I have been called by God or whomever many times over the past year or so.  I have prayed with a Baptist, visited many Catholic churches and sat through Latin mass.  I was never the girl you thought would be pregnant OR joining the Catholic church, but things and people change.  I feel the faith that I have never experienced before and feel no judgement or fear when I talk about it, only peace.  I am older and cynical in some ways but I feel a real acceptance about what is really important and how I can present my best self to the world.  Does not mean that I am not angry at stupidity or ignorance, I just try and let it not overcome me and make me someone whom I never want to be.

Day 2

Spoke with the ex today.  Thought that would be weirder than it was.  Found out life is moving along just as swiftly for him.  It's weird how things make me cry today.  The posting for my friend's husband who has passed away suddenly this week, thinking of my mom and all her quirks and funny things she used to do.  My friend's telling me everything is going to be ok with the baby when there is so much tragedy lately I worry that it may be wishful thinking.  Although I also have a sort of calm that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to regardless of what goes on around me.  Regardless, I wish that everyone could stay happy and healthy for at least a year so I can let these recent events fade into the background after a while.

Newbie

Today was the day that my worst fear but biggest blessing happened.  I never thought I would be a good mother until the past 2 years or so.  I was selfish and unsure before, but now have a sense of calm about it.  I just lost my own mother which has cut me deeply.  I wanted to call her today but couldn't.  The statement "I don't have a mother" keeps repeating in my head.  I feel bad for those young kids who lose their parents at a young age.  I have no idea how to fill the void, and there is a feeling of fear that I lost one of the two people who have to love me unconditionally and would stand up for me no matter what.  Luckily, I have great friends and extended family who I have spent numerous hours with and love like....family.